Yeah, I do.
I remember. I do remember,
and sometimes I’d be okay not remembering quite so well.
Sometimes remembering is objective and shared; sometimes it’s personal and intimate; oftentimes you don’t know how to sort out good news from bad news at the time; other times you know exactly what it is right away.
I remember where I was and what I was doing when Challenger blew up.
I remember where I was and what I was doing when Columbine kickstarted America’s special nightmare.
I remember where I was and what I was doing when the towers came down.
I remember where I was and what I was doing when the Connecticut shooting happened - yeah, the one with the little kids
(and a bunch of others before and after).
I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I found out, from across the country, that we’d lost a baby.
I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when my country’s current President was elected.
I remember where I was and what I was doing when my buddy said she was leaving for another state.
I remember where I was and what I was doing when my brother said they were moving to a different country.
I remember other things, and they don’t stop. Some big, some little, some global, some personal.
Some news makes an indelible mind print.
I remember getting news, sometimes big and epic and horrible for everyone, and I remember getting news that’s small and personal and selfishly-horrible for me,
and I remember news that’s not my story to tell or share but that i am angry and brokenhearted about and will be lodged in my long term memory bank with its own access code with an open door.
I wish I didn’t remember some things so vividly.
Once I have them, they’re there.
I’m not afraid of pain; I know what a good thing it can be to keep you feeling and empathizing and understanding and learning how to be stronger.
But it’s still hard to remember in color. Or rather, it’s too easy. I wish it was harder. I wish it was easier to clinically control what you remember and what you forget.
I don’t wish that.
But I forget sometimes that I don’t wish that,
and I wish that.
I will remember to remember to forget you forgot me
- Modest Mouse “A Different City”
I wanna get better at taking these experiences that are so cinematic and imprinted permanently and figure out how to do something good - something better - with those impressions.
To help make a little part of the world better.
Working on it.
I’m tired of people getting hurt. Of losing people. Of bad shit.