Ongoing thoughts to improve your existence
I saw a cloud skip past today; it looked familiar. On closer examination I realised it is one I waved to 31 years ago, when I was eleven. Hello again, old friend!
If you successfully assembled an IKEA product all by yourself, then yes, that is an accomplishment and you should absolutely go eat two bowls of tin roof sundae ice cream. All by yourself.
If you’re on a tight budget, one thing you can do is every time you visit someone’s house, ask if you can have a drawer pull or door knob, as long as they’re made from metal. Eventually you’ll have enough to sell to the scrap yard, and every penny counts, especially if you have a billion of them. Plus, it’ll get you out socializing a little more.
A lot of people think it would be cool to have transparent pipes that ran along the interior walls so you could see the beauty of modern plumbing in action, but to be honest, I partially disagree.
I bet whoever invented the monocle is like a patron saint in the elderly cyclops community.
I have to agree with everyone: ostriches really are the tubas of the bird world.
Everyone thinks that mugs should have two handles, but personally I think one is sufficient most of the time.
It’s really sad to think of all the stories and books that could have been written if we had invented another letter of the alphabet.
It’s so hard to believe I’ve never written a poem about how drapes are the eyelids of our homes.
If you’re on a really tight budget, then one idea that sometimes works is to buy a house on top of a mountain, and then spend a couple years carefully cultivating a strong relationship with a neighbor who has a flatbed truck and ramp, and when the moment seems right, you ask her if she’d be willing to load your car up every evening on the way up the mountain so you don’t have to pay for gas, and then the next morning you coast down in neutral, and then voila, evening rolls around and you’re all set and your gas bill is way better. Cycle continues. Tip: have your neighbor sign a contract committing to the plan for at least seven years. Win-win: you save money and she has a good friend for life. Or seven years.
I was thinking of inventing a reversible plate that you only have to wash half as many times. But then people would expect me to do the same thing with bowls, and that would super stress me out cause that’s like the holy grail of reversible dishes.
Many young children are scared of the dark, and sometimes it can be helpful to remind them that there’s nothing to be scared of, as long as there’s no giant hairy monsters with horns outside the window waiting for the right opportunity to attack, which is fairly improbable but not impossible given the work being done in cross-species gene manipulation, and this is a great intro into talking about statistics and probability, which a lot of kids seem to find helpful in talking about before bedtime. Also, I’m writing a collection of fairy tales, if anybody’s interested in purchasing for their children.
I know we’re supposed to accept people the way they are, but personally I think horses would be way cooler if they had, like, a sharp horn or something on their head.
People always think that rainbows are stupid, but personally I think they’re kind of pretty, especially if you’re not colorblind. Which I am.
If you don’t like public libraries then I hate you. I know that’s a strong word to use, but I couldn’t think of anything stronger. I’ll go ask a librarian if there’s a better one to use instead. They are super good at helping people figure out the right words to use. They’re good at helping people figure out pretty much everything.
There’s a big push these days to use something different than “handicapped,” which is why you hear me saying “handihatted.”
I don’t want to take away from anyone’s enjoyment of watching a good romantic naked romp in a swords-and-sandals epic film, but remember that most of them didn’t have toothbrushes or take baths. Or floss.
A lot of people think that the Christmas season should start at the beginning of August, but personally I think that’s at least a couple weeks too early. But maybe I’m wrong.
I personally feel that urinals are more appropriate in bathrooms than in kitchens. Some days I feel so old-fashioned.
It’s so frustrating when people bring their giant pet venomous snake to your house for an overnight stay and they get mad when you ask if she can play with your goats. Huh? They gotta learn to play together sometime.
If you’re on a tight budget and looking for a sure-fire way to aggressively invest your money in something safe with a giant payoff, then don’t hang up on telemarketers anymore, because you can’t have it both ways. Maybe you just hung up on your future.
People appreciate the truth, which is why it’s important to share the truth with everyone in the theatre when you notice something that’s not truthful, like when you’re watching a movie for the second time and you know the heroine shouldn’t be trusting this one guy early on and you know he’s not being truthful so you let everyone know the truth, and sometimes doing the right thing is as easy as saying: “Hey, that character isn’t being truthful, he’s actually the main villain and good thing he dies in the end!” That’s truth, and people might be angry, and also someday they will still never thank you for it. But expressing gratitude is a whole different topic.
I bet if you lived in medieval times and your beloved child grew up to become a hangman who had to wear a black cloth over his head to stay anonymous, then it would be like totally hard to not yell, as your boy was leading people to the gallows, “That’s my boy, way to go Tom!” But then it could be super embarrassing if everyone thought you were talking about the guy who was getting hung instead of the guy doing the hanging. Also, if I was a parent during this time period I would encourage them to go into another career. But you know, kids do their own thing and you just choose to be proud, no matter what, right?
A fun thing to do that would also be helpful might be to carry a tape measure with you every time you went to someone’s house, and then to measure the diameter of their toilet seat. Those things are supposed to be standard size, but if they’re not, wouldn’t you want to know?
I think that drivers who swerve in and out of lanes without using their blinkers and end up causing a crash should not necessarily receive the death penalty, but I wouldn’t necessarily argue against some light torture. But I also wouldn’t argue for it. I would just pretend I had no idea how to drive.
Everyone seems to think that all the highways with 55 mph speed limits should be changed to 56 mph. Personally, I’m fine either way.
If you’re on a tight budget and are tempted to cancel your upcoming six-month tour of Europe to save a few dollars, then don’t. That’s what credit cards are for.
Most people always say that you should have kids because of the tax credit, but there’s other reasons too, like for example, if you have goats, kids can babysit them and make sure they’re not eating dandelions, which can be poisonous to goats, but hopefully not to children.
A lot of people seem to think that people buy goats as a status symbol to signify that they’re really, really successful at life, and I guess it’s true, I am.
If you’re on a tight budget and thinking of selling one of your airplanes to get some cash, then yes, that is one option. You could also pick up some hours working graveyard at Taco Bell and that way you could still fly your planes during the day.
A lot of people think that doorknobs would be way easier to use if they were rectangular, but personally I think they already work fine half the time, which is a good percentage for a lot of things, like batting percentage or airplane piloting.
Pretty much everyone thinks that people go into goat farming to become rich, and I honestly don’t know how to answer that question because there’s no easy answer, except that it’s mostly true.
If your child asks if they can have ice cream before bedtime and you don’t want them to, a good compromise is to tell them that one of you will be eating ice cream after they go to bed, and that way they can practice being happy when good things happen to other people, which is a valuable lesson to learn, and way better than a big bowl of ice cream like the one you’re going to have. So the reality is that the kid wins that round. But at least you have ice cream.
If you’re on a tight budget and think it would be cheaper to amputate a foot so you could start buying just one sock at a time, then good for you for thinking creatively! You never know if something is a good idea until you try it.
If somebody randomly walks up to you at some point and offers to not only give you a snowplow, but to install it on the front of your vehicle for free, then don’t overthink it. Free snowplows don’t come along every day.
If you clean three or more toilets without gloves, it is usually a good idea, when possible, to wash your hands before preparing food for a group of ten or more.
If you’re on a tight budget and thinking of selling your goats, then don’t.
If you’re vegetarian but have always wondered what goat meat tastes like, the answer is: I don’t know.
If you’re on a tight budget and considering selling a body organ to raise some extra money, the most important thing to remember is that you don’t know for sure who it’s going to go to.
It’s really hard for me to fully connect with anyone who doesn’t get food all over themselves when they eat tacos.
Bobcats typically do not attack humans. But if you are attacked, slowly pull out the garden hose and water supply that you should have with you at all times, on the chance you might ever be attacked, and spray it with water. The more water you keep in your water backpack, the safer you’ll be.
If you’re ever out in a blizzard and about to die, then remember: you should not have gone out in the blizzard.
When you’re wrangling goats, try not to dive for them when you’re around barbed wire, because even though people think tetanus is like the funniest thing to joke about, it’s not.
If you’re on a tight budget and tend to get injured frequently, you might be tempted to save money by using duct tape and toilet paper on abrasions instead of bandaids. Instead of doing that, I would suggest making more money and just buying the bandaids.