Family learning…
…verbal and non-verbal communication.
The importance of eye contact.
Look at people when you’re conversing with them, and especially when they’re talking. When someone greets you, even casually and from a distance, turn and look at them. Make eye contact and give the gift of your full attention, even if it’s for a second or two. It is an acknowledgement that you see, hear, and respect their presence.
The importance of good posture.
My dad used tell me: “Stand straight and keep your stomach and butt firm.” Or something like that. One of the best pieces of wisdom he passed along, amidst many wise nuggets. Doing this from a young age will help with many things. One of those things that works best as a habit: start it young. It’ll help with any possible back issues later on, and in the shorter term it will help manifest and re-enforce a self-confidence that I am capable of learning this, of doing that, or speaking with this person. True, non-arrogant confidence starts in the heart and exudes joy and possibility to those around. Good posture is a way of physically conveying this and doing something beneficial for you body at the same time.
The importance of speaking clearly and confidently.
You gotta respect yourself. The way you speak is sort of like your logo to the world: it doesn’t say everything about you, but it’s one of the first things people will notice upon meeting and conversing with you. That whole ‘first impression’ thing. Now, does it matter what other people think? That’s a whole different conversation. What is important is that
whatever your personality is,
whatever your comfort level is with meeting new people,
whatever your confidence is with conversing with others…
…you speak in a voice that is yours. In both delivery and content. This means that you speak at a volume that people can hear, that you articulate and enunciate in a way that people can understand (to the degree you’re able), and that you look at others when you’re speaking. You have every right to speak up, and your voice is important, both literally and metaphorically. Even when you don’t always feel confident, you should practice speaking and communicating in a confident manner.
Note: confidence is not arrogance, and confidence does not mean you lack humility or the ability to listen. It simply means you value and respect what you have to say as much as anyone else.
The importance of expressing gratitude, part 1.
This means saying please, thank you, no, and you’re welcome. Embed it. Make it habit, make it ritual, and say these phrases with kindness and confidence.
The importance of expressing gratitude, part 2.
There are a thousand micro ways to do this. Like getting off your phone in a crosswalk and waving. Waving in general. Just a small little wave of acknowledgement accompanied by a small little smile. Goes a long way.
If you’re going through line at the grocery, the credit union, the coffeehouse, the gas station…again, get off your phone, smile, make eye contact. Say hi. Ask how their day is going.
It takes so very little effort to simply say something specific, kind, and positive to someone.
But it does take a conscious decision to make that effort.
How to interrupt.
Insert yourself into the field of vision so it’s clear you’re waiting to interject.
Wait for the person talking to finish a thought or sentence or idea. Note: this can be tricky. But try.
Say “excuse me” and look to both the person whose attention you’re trying to get and the person they’re speaking with. Smile.
Do not tap, shake, kick, or poke at the person whose attention you’re trying to get.
Say what you need to say and let them return to conversation. Or, if you want to be a part of the existing conversation, insert yourself in gracefully and in a relevant fashion. In other words, if they’re talking about fishing, don’t jump in and start asking what they think about the uncanny valley as it relates to advancements in robotic technology.
How to greet.
Look at the other person. Make eye contact. How they react to you is irrelevant. Of course it affects you. It doesn’t feel good to be rebuffed, ignored, rejected, or brushed off. But : you still have a choice, regardless of how you are greeted, to do the right thing. And the right thing is this:
Make eye contact.
Smile or make some other friendly facial gesture to the best of your ability, in as sincere a manner as possible.
Shake their hand, give a friendly wave, a fist bump, a hug or half hug, or whatever they’re comfortable with - and whatever you are comfortable with. If you don’t want to hug, don’t hug. And don’t make your kids hug. You can greet somebody in a pleasant manner and expect your children to do the same without forcing them to surrender agency over the personal physical space of their bodies…and hugs they’re not comfortable with.
You don’t have to be fake. You don’t have to be overexcited. You just need to give your concentrated and meaningful attention for a short burst of time to let them know that you have acknowledged their presence, you are pleased to see them, and conveyed that they are a person worthy of being greeted.
Note: if they are a human of any age, they are likely worthy of being greeted and acknowledged in some semi-pleasant manner. So expect that of your children too.
How to shake hands.
Pretty simple. Something like this:
Make eye contact with the other person.
Extend your hand. Your right is considered the appropriate one pretty much everywhere.
Take their hand. Their whole hand.
Squeeze firmly and gently for a short second. Perhaps shake it up and down gently once or twice.
Maintain eye contact and release.
To summarize, the important things are this: eye contact and a full hand expression of mutual respect. Not a limp handed dead fish flop handshake, not a crushing, competitive power grip pumping for ten seconds handshake. A simple, respectful, confident, eye-contact, short shake. That’s it. It’s not a competition. It’s often a culturally-appropriate way to greet others informally and formally, and it is NOT DEAD. There is a place for handshakes, there is a place for hugs, there is a place for simply waving, saluting, or fist-bumping. They all are about varying levels of conveying respect or affection.
One last thing: if in doubt, go with a good handshake. People think you should default to a hug. Maybe I’m old school, but I disagree. Outside of COVID, an old-fashioned handshake will always be in style if executed well. And that means, it always means that eye contact is imperative. You must learn to confidently look at another person in the eyes and acknowledge them.
How to listen (1-on-1)
Make eye contact.
Find a natural way to communicate to the other person that they have your attention. This might be something like nodding, occasionally repeating back something they’ve said, or simply “mm hmm, right!” It looks silly to put into writing. But this is the key to listening: give your attention, and communicate that you’re giving it.
Find a natural pausing point to interject, to ask questions, to respond, or to talk. Take turns.
It’s like playing catch: you’re not just throwing the ball. You’re not just catching the ball. You’re doing both. You’re sharing and taking turns and maintaining attention regardless of whether you’re throwing or catching, talking or listening.
Keep eye contact. It doesn’t mean you can’t blink or can’t look away. It just means that you’re keeping a baseline of eye-connecting to convey your presence and attention in the moment. You know the least clever thing in the world? Somebody thinking they can sneakily pretend to be giving attention while scrolling through their phone. Impossible. Some things are zero-sum. You can’t do some things simultaneously, like give attention. If you’re raising children, there will be few times, with them in the vicinity, where a peer will have your absolute one hundred percent attention. If you’re a child, of course there will be things pulling your attention away from a conversation or dialogue. But we fight.
We fight with ourselves to learn again how to give our attention - the best and most attention possible in the moment - to the present, when we’re in dialogue, communication, or interaction with someone physically present.
How to stand up for yourself.
Coming soon