Family learning…
…relationships, organization, chores.
There is a mantra I expect our children and ourselves to plant deep in our hearts and minds. It goes something like this:
Thoughts become words.
Words become actions.
Actions become patterns.
Patterns become habits.
That means that you begin every day by treating yourself with respect and by knowing that you are able and capable to face the day. You don’t talk down to yourself…and you try not to think down to yourself. It doesn’t mean avoiding reality. It means facing reality head-on and not diverting, ignoring, or accepting that all external circumstances are the determining factor of your life.
So think well and you will learn to speak well.
Speak well and you will learn to act well.
Act well and you will embed those actions as patterns.
And those patterns will become unconscious habits that will make your life better, as well as the lives around you.
So think well of yourself, and carry that thinking into your interactions with others.
How to get along
I have a whole bunch to say about this. But here’s the simple version.
Remember that you are unique, and some people love you for being you.
So love and like others for being uniquely them.
So…in your interactions:
Say what you mean and what you’d like. It’s important to be able to state a need or preference. So don’t make people guess. Don’t constantly play the game of “...well if I say this, then they’re going to say that, and then I’m going to respond like this, and then they’re going to…” Et cetera. Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t.
Listen to what they want, ask questions about them and their life, and actively let them know you’re processing.
Disagree in good confidence. Ask questions in good confidence. “Good confidence” means that you’re genuinely asking the question you’re asking, and you’re not digging deeper for an ulterior motive or agenda, trying to weaponize information you might glean, or attempting to trap or bait them into a response intended to humiliate, diminish, mock, control, or hurt them.
Argue well. It’s not fun, it’s not exciting, and it’s interesting to be surrounded by people who all have the same preferences, opinions, and personalities. There’s going to be conflict among decent people, and disagreement can be great, if it’s handled with respect. It means your own preferences can get shaken up - or you can get better at defending them well. It’s also great to practice arguing and disagreeing about small and trivial things so you have a good process for handling the bigger things when they come along.
Attention. Give your attention the person or people you’re with. Nothing says respect and affection like the gift of being able to share moments with others by giving your attention in the moment.
Forgive, listen, talk, hug, listen, laugh. There’s gonna be bad moments and hurtful moments and stuff where things just break down. All those little things aren’t going to disappear if you just ignore them. Of course you can’t go into battle over every little slight or grievance or misunderstanding, so sometimes, you’ll have to internally reflect first to find your own culpability or fault. But when there is something you gotta deal with and you see a path toward reconciliation on a matter…take initiative, have courage, and work it out together.
Sometimes it’s the long game. Sometimes you gotta be patient and just love people. Love them and get along the best you can and don’t surrender the parts of yourself important to them if it’s going to be toxic or detrimental to you or your family. Sometimes setting boundaries for the types of conversations you have with someone is the best thing you can do for that relationship.
Show your kids what healthy relationships look like. Don’t pretend you and your spouse don’t argue. Becca and I do. Our kids know we do. But above and far beyond the disagreements we’ve had and still have, our kids know we love each other intensely and always. And they know what it means to see people listen, respect, and love each other well, even (and especially) when emotions are high.
Very important words a child should learn are:
No
and
Why?
Taking initiative
We are a family. Which means we are also:
a circus
a symphony
a stage
a laboratory
a school
All of these are multicellular. They are made up of individuals, and each individual has parts to play. Many parts, many overlapping parts.
It means that all of us learn the importance of helping each other function well, and that means that we proactively practice taking initiative. Sweeping a floor if it needs to be swept, not because it’s your job right then, but because it needs to be done right then, and who better than yourself to do it?
At a certain point in life, you learn - or should learn - that somebody, in many situations, has to take responsibility for something necessary getting done.
So why not practice being that person? The one who steps up and does what needs to be done, who takes initiative, before being asked?
Conversation and talking with each other
Things to ask : some ideas
What are you reading?
What are you listening to?
What are you watching?
What is something you like to make/create/do?
What did you eat or drink last?
Here’s the thing : that’s not an exhaustive list. They are gateway ideas to get conversation going. Sometimes you spend a whole conversation talking about one of those exact things - perhaps you discover a shared love for 1950s rockabilly with someone and you spend a whole conversation with that. Or maybe one of those questions spins you off into a dozen different topics. Or maybe it’s a very short conversation. Whatever the case, you’ve initiated the opportunity to engage, should the other party display a return interest. It’s a place to start.
Playing catch
I’m not huge on sports or war analogies, but here goes with the former: it’s more fun to throw a ball back and forth with someone than to toss that same ball up in the air, again and again, to yourself.
Conversation is like that. Somebody asks you a question, and you answer - that’s you catching the ball. Now, once you have the ball, you can either tuck it away and hang onto it, or let it drop dead at your feet…or you can toss it back. The way you toss the ball back, in conversation, is not by merely answering the question; you answer and then you toss it back by asking them a question. You give them the opportunity to engage. And then you keep the ball going. Back and forth. You talk. You listen. You talk. You listen. You make a statement, an assertion, an opinion. You ask the other person their thought, their idea, their opinion.
You keep it going. It’s a talent, a skill, an art, a science. And most anyone can learn it, with some practice and some willingness to listen and to form interesting thoughts and opinions.
Tidiness and organization
We are Maximumalists. No way to deny it. We love large and we live large and keep our art supplies and book shelves well stocked. Also, we’re often messy, and life is chaotic most days. We are a circus symphony.
And yet both circuses and symphonies function with a base level of organization and tidiness. And I think what’s important is to decide, collectively, what that base level of organization and tidiness is, and how to make that base level something that’s consistent and doable for everyone. That’s the trick, and we are still learning it. Finding the balance between creative chaos and spontaneity, and amongst organized space and time and planning.
Shared areas
Writing from the podium, ex cathedra, on this site, I can look in the mirror and recognize hypocrisy in action. And yet I continue. Here’s the thing: our house is a shared area. We have six people ranging in age from a year-plus to 44-plus (the latter is me).
That means that in our fairly-small kitchen, we often have…six people.
In our definitely small main bathroom, we often have…six people.
In the not-big bed that Becca and I share, we always awaken with a number greater than the two of us.
It’s important to have privacy too. Every person has a different notion of privacy, and it is super important in a family - and everywhere - to respect each person’s boundary for what that is. So perhaps the important thing is defining what spaces are:
shared as an absolute (such as our living room, dining room)
shared on a fluid and changing basis (such as our kitchen, bathroom)
shared only at the behest of the individual
(our daughter’s bedroom, our son’s art desk area,
individual spaces within our sons’ shared bedroom, etc.)
One of our big things is Initiative. When you go into someone’s personal area, you respect it. And when you go into a shared space, you respect it. You make sure that you pick up not only what you are using, but look for ways to assist the common good.
That means if there’s a pile of laundry waiting to be folded in the living room, don’t wait for someone else to do it. Jump in.
If the dining room floor needs to be swept, don't wait for someone else to do it. Jump in.
If there’s dishes that need to be washed or toilet paper that needs to be replenished or any number of other things that need to be done…then jump in and help out everyone. Recognize that waiting for other people to do things means there will perpetually be things that remain undone, and people getting frustrated at each other because “…it’s not my job!”
It’s our job to look out for each other. And a small part of that is helping keep our shared spaces usable, functional, pretty, and enjoyable for all to use.
May 14, 2021 The rest below : coming soon, as I’m able to dash off some thoughts
backpack
room
automobile
laundry / clothes
Kindness
Thoughtfulness
Sharing
The Golden Rule, empathy, and good faith
I actually like to phrase this as ‘The Golden Principle,’ but as a certain timeless book uses Rule, I’ll stick with it here, I suppose.
[ note: I like principle because it umbrella-covers an infinite host of situations and behaviors ]
The Golden Rule is pretty simple: ask yourself if you would like the same thing if the roles were reversed. It’s one of the those ideas we roll our eyes at and rote-say because we’ve heard it so many times. But when you actually think about it, actually think about it - including and maybe especially as a parent - it’s heartening, it’s scary, it’s complicating, and it’s…simple. Would I like somebody talking to me in this tone? Treating me this way? Even writing this here helps to embed it: some things bear repeating and emphasis again and again. This is top of the list.
Empathy should be a tent pole in our character, a fundamental, a major root system. It means that we try and place ourselves in the shoes of someone else and remember how we have probably felt or manifested most every other feeling others have at some point. So we try and understand. Doesn’t mean we do understand. But it means we try, and that we not only try, but that we do so as equals. Not in a spirit of empathy or hierarchy or even advice-giving from experience.
It means we show up. We show up emotionally, and sometimes that might mean saying nothing. But we try. We try and understand to the best of our abilities and remember one of the most powerful phrases about empathy ever:
Homo sum humani, nihil a mi alienum puto.
I am human, therefore nothing human is alien to me.
We are capable of great good and we are all capable of great evil. That is what connects us to another as humans: that capability. So before we pass judgment on others, to remember that we also capable of that, and therefore, what can we do to try and empathize, to understand? One way we can do so is…
…with this phrase:
In good faith.
“In good faith” is an incredible question and an incredible statement. It is powerful, it is vulnerable, and it opens the pathway to communicating with clarity, transparency, and kindness. If you ask a question in good faith, you are not trying to interrogate or glean information. You are not trying to sneakily gain access to something you can use or weaponize or hurt with. You are asking because you want to know, or you’re trying to understand or care. It comes from a place of sincerity and genuine desire to connect and build relationship.
The same goes for good faith statements. Are you stating an observation you’ve made in good faith? Or are you saying it because there’s something else you’re trying to convey as well? Perhaps complimenting Child A because you know Child B is listening, and you want to encourage sibling rivalry? Making a good faith statement is like Dr. Seuss wrote in one of his classics: Say what you mean and mean what you say.
That’s good faith.