Badger (how to troll IRL).

The explanations we give ourselves.

I find myself on Facebook, again, after a multi-year sabbatical. I’m here specifically for Marketplace. I’m shopping for an auger and a shed and some trees and…stuff. Necessary stuff.

I try to keep my eyes focused on that bottom center portion so I don't get distracted by other news or other content whose raison d’etre is to grab a soul quickly and suck into the vortex of bottomless memes and profound posts. I’m moderately successful at avoiding this minefield, especially when I just stay off, and then -

A child, appearing to be around early stage age 7, runs up to me -

[ I call this novella of an exchange ‘Badger.’ ]

Daddy,
he says,
can I make a badger?

A…badger? I ask? Can you make a badger?

Yeah,
he says,
exasperated, can you give me the DNA? To make a badger? 

Tell me about it,
I ask with wisdom.

I have some food for him,
he says.
The badger. So…can I make one? A badger? I just need some money real quick. For the DNA.

I begin to respond with great wisdom; fortunately I have plentiful supply:
I would be fascinated to hear more, and -

He interrupts, something his parents have apparently neglected to ever teach him to not do:
As a pet,
he explains, forming his face into something cloyingly-cute.
We’re going to have a badger for a pet. We just need to…make it. So…DNA please?

Well, I respond patiently,
let's do one step at a time. What would your next step be in making a badger?

I need to read about it, he says. There’s some stuff I need to read.

I seize this opening.
How about, I suggest, you keep on reading and researching and -

-his 9-year old svengali-channeling brother, quickly-aware of his sibling’s tactical mistake, jumps in:
Daddy, he has the DNA. All you need to do is…

Is what? I yell, attention trying to swerve back to Facebook, a place I’m going only for honorable and necessary reasons.  

Daddy, he has the DNA, the Elder says calmly.
All you need to do is buy a, um, like, $20,000 thing. It’s a machine. Okay? It’s the part that actually helps make the badger.

Instead of saying ‘DNA,’ I correct him gently, I would prefer in this family that we just say ‘deoxyribonucleic acid.’ Okay?

He ignores my directive and continues: We have the DNA. The machine is basically…a big thing, but we need it for the badger, to finish making it.

The Younger leaps back in with a deep left-field item: Could we also buy, like, a $20,000 tank for a shark?

Huh?
I scream, reasonably,
why don't you put together the supplies and equipment we would need and then we can talk about it?

We don't have any of it.
One of them says.

That runs counter to what you just told me,
I remind them.
Why don't you put together a list?

I did,
the Elder says. I have a list. We just need a bunch of…mechanics and stuff. 

Well,
I say, slowly, profoundly,
saying we need a bunch of this, or a bunch of that, is very different from making a specific list. You -

-There's too many.
he says, interrupting.  There's thousands of things on the list. We can't just list thousands of parts that we need.

The Younger holds out a badger part to me. I inspect closely for a five hundredth of a second.
That is pretty cool, I say, somewhat honestly. A badger tooth, huh?  

They refuse to be swayed off course by vacuous praise.
So will you buy it, Daddy? The parts and machinery we need? 

I sigh.
How do I know what to buy unless you give me a list?

The Elder looks at me with a look I hope to never see again, and have already seen fourteen million times; a look of shock that there is something so basic, so simple, so ridiculous, something that everyone knows, except…me.

I can't give you a list of 10,000 things,
he says, that’s impossible!

Well,
I start to reply -

-Never mind, he says, discouraged, and his younger bro jumps in:
I'll just buy my own cash.

(Note: I am uncertain why it would be necessary to buy cash, as opposed to simply buying DNA or buying the badger-making machine itself. Apparently we need to spend more time on Math, or at least Microeconomics or Personal Finance.)

I ponder, deeply, and try not to think of how fun it would be to be on Facebook at this moment; the simple pleasures of life, like scrolling through to see what today’s ramblings and mumblings are in defense of the most corrupt Presidential administration in history (in case it’s not clear, that would be the current one) and…back to reality. Maybe this reality is better, now that I think about it:

How,
I say,
am I supposed to know what to buy if the only thing I'm really hearing is: “we need to buy a bunch of things?”

It comes in a set.
one of them says.
It's called, um, like ‘a thing that makes a badger.’

Then put together a list!
I shriek.

One of them shrieks back, but his shriek lacks my elegance and decorum:
I don't know the parts to it! It's just this one…machine that you have to put a bunch of parts together!

(Note: apparently we also need to spend more time on grammar and proper sentence construction.)

Well, I respond, with the greatest patience and dignity, I guess you'll need to put together a list of how to put the parts together, and how that process works. 

I don't know that!
the bigger one yells.
It'll show it on the box, so why can't you just buy the box?

Where's the box?
I ask, possibly unreasonably.

You need to buy the box!
He responds, mostly reasonably.

(Down the mouth of madness I go:)
You need to tell me what box to buy, I say, not completely unkindly.

Just search it up on Amazon!
one of them says furiously.
You search “Badger DNA Maker.” 

Badger DNA Maker?
I say.
Okay, well, give me the link for that. 

I almost think I hear some eyes rolling.
I continue: I'll give you a little bit of time later to do some research, and you can see exactly what kit we would need. Okay?

It’s only twenty thousand dollars,
they announce, and stomp off angrily.

Honestly, I probably should have just given them my credit card and let them order it themselves off Amazon. That would be initiative and independence, right, and teaching all kinds of good character and important things?

But first, I’ll check Marketplace. Maybe there’s a good deal on Badger Making Kits there. Down the vortex of infinite content we go. Maybe I’ll try out some trolling. I’ve got good teachers.