Dear Becca, merry Christmas?
You know that I am sometimes fond of you this time of year, so keep in mind that what I’m about to say, I say with a sprinkling of affection. I know it’s going to sound harsh and controlling, but that is a big part of who I am.
It’s Christmas Eve day. I am going to go wrangle your pet goats and do mountain man errand stuff outside, and when I come back in, I will need a perfectly-timed cup of coffee at the perfect temperature waiting for me. If it is not ready, then our family will be, to quote John Grisham “skipping Christmas.”
There will be no Christmas this year if there is no coffee ready. Thank you for your understanding and preparedness.
Also, I wanted so badly to run into someone last night whose name was Eve, so I could say: “Merry Christmas Eve Eve, Eve.”
But that was hopeful and naive thinking. I didn’t run into anyone named Eve, although the gas station attendant was super nice and funny when I asked if her name was Eve, and if it wasn’t if it was okay if I called her that anyway. She said no and her name was Jillian. We should take her a Christmas present today. Are we doing presents this year?
Also, we need groceries. Groceries or presents, which one should we do?
Coffee would be great if you’re up to it. Thanks much, and just relax. Except for having that ready, please. In a cheerful mug that’s just right.
Please make it a merry Christmas. I know that’s what we all want, and it’s on your shoulders now.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas? Up to you.
In the spirit always,
Mountain Man Joe.