How to play with no toys, no props, and no fun.
- Daddy?
he asked.
- Do you want to play battle with me? Your name can be Bob and you're the bad guy.
- Okay.
I said.
- Who are you?
- I'm D'Artagnan,
he replied assertively, pulling out his ten fingers and pointing them at me like Gandalf with nine extra staffs.
- And I'm shooting laser bullets at you with my fingers!! Grrraahhh!
- Okay,
I yawned.
- I just activated my anti-laser bullet force field so they're not getting through.
Temporarily stymied, he began circling, flashing his fingers at me and making Flash Gordon zapping sounds that I conjecture are meant to emulate the sound of laser bullets exiting fingers.
- You do know,
I told him.
- That it's physiologically impossible to shoot laser bullets out of your fingers? At least with any degree of accuracy?
His attack got heavier and his voice dropped an octave:
- Graaaahhh!!
He began leaping six feet into the air and landing knees-first on my stomach; a sensation that felt similar to what I would imagine laser bullets feel like as they're tearing through your spleen.
- My name is Venom!
he shrieked, launching himself twelve feet up and gently landing on my cheekbone with his foot.
- And I'm a venomous snake!!
- Well,
I said calmly.
- Lucky for me that I have my anti-venom cape that keeps any venom from getting on me.
- Grahhh!!!
he squeaked with fury.
- I'm actually a rattlesnake, and I will get you with my rattlesnake poison!!
- Isn't that what you just tried?
I asked.
- No matter, I have my anti-rattlesnake face mask on so I won't get any poison in my eyes.
His furious assault continued; an assault that had me worried to the point that I had to wake up and open my eyes a couple times to prevent having an elbow disappear through my ear. He went through a series of scenarios involving every form of weaponry known to man, or rather, to him, and coincidentally I had packed force field and anti-gravitational defense systems in preparation for every one of these scenarios; a scientific subtlety that he found increasingly frustrating. Until...
- Okay,
he said.
- Let's pretend that I have a ninja fire weapon that is a force field and ANTI-force field weapon and it can defeat all of your anti-force fields with huge fire. Okay?
- Son.
I said, nodding with respect.
- Now you're catching on.
I continued:
- Unfortunately though...
I shook my head.
- It just so happens that I have my anti-firebomb spacesuit in my pocket, so looks like I'm still unbeatable.
He growled, low and vicious.
- I'm going to defeat you!!
...and rushed me.
- Actually, it's bedtime.
I said.
And scooped him up easily as a baby cantaloupe and plopped his flailing ninja form into bed.
- Rest up for tomorrow, kid.
- Okay,
he mumbled, and clutched his wood sword tightly to his belly.