Micro-musings.

Ongoing thoughts to improve your existence

When I went back to the counter and they asked what I wanted, I said “refill.” And then I thought about the first time I went up, I did not say “fill.” I think I will start doing that. “I’d like a fill, please.” And then I thought about how coffee is like gas for the human body, which made me think of gas for automobiles. For non-Tesla, non-electric automobiles. And it made me wonder whether I would ever have enough courage to go back to a gas station I’ve already gone to once and ask for a refill. Wouldn’t it wouldn’t it be great if you could just roll through and ask for a refill? Maybe it’s in the same category as ordering from a Taco Bell drivethru in an Australian accent: it’s a moment, and it accomplishes nothing, but maybe it’s a long-term memory for someone involved. Anyway, it’s a funny thing, how we typically only ask for fills with gas and refills with coffee.

Wouldn’t it make more sense for air bags to be called “air balloons?” Or “air piñatas?”

If you really want to trip yourself out, sit down on the floor with two other people. Face each other at equidistant intervals, all facing in. You’ve just created both a triangle and a circle. Take that, mathematical impossibilities. Seriously, anything is possible. You just have to use the right words to describe its eventual success. Trip out on that.

I learned a life hack from someone - I don’t remember who - and supposedly it works super well. But I don’t know. You know how you might use facial recognition to log into your phone or into an app? But sometimes It doesn’t work? One thing I think most people do when this happens is immediately throw their phone away, because they think that either their phone or their face is broken, and getting a new phone (I guess) is cheaper than plastic surgery (again, I haven’t confirmed). But instead of throwing your phone away, try logging in again - with facial recognition - but here’s the one key thing to do different this time. This time, don’t pick your nose while logging in. It’s likely a software glitch, but what happens is that the algorithms apparently have trouble deciphering you when your finger is jammed up your nose. So this might be helpful for some of you. And I would like to STRONGLY note that I denounce any criminals or terrorists who use my little hack as a way to avoid surveillance. That’s not cool.

Sometimes I get tired of people just standing around waiting for their coffee, and I’m thinking of starting a movement where instead of standing around waiting, everyone sits on the floor and waits. I could envision certain problems, particularly with those who have had double knee replacements, or have tired abdominal muscles, or my Dad. But it’s just a thought. It’s at the thinking stage right now.

Donald Trump announced that he was running for President again this week. I almost wonder if it would make sense to secretly create a country for him that he could run and be leader of on his own. An island? His own sort of “Truman Show” situation. Forget artificial intelligence or bionanotechnology; this could be the next big thing to create a giant industry around. A mix of entertainment that’s wholesome for all humanity: except in this version of The Truman Show, he could also have his own Cabinet, staffed of election deniers, sycophants, and D-level celebrities to pal around with and play dollhouse. Complete with hidden cameras. And we could have the joy of once again watching his arrogant buffoonery played for comedy instead of real world consequences dripping with meanness, pettiness, and cruelty. It’s a thought. Just a thought for now. Note: I am anti-hidden camera and surveillance state privacy invasion, so enjoy the hypocrisy.

If you had triplets, you could make your life two-thirds easier by just naming them “Coffee” and “Toffee.” But honestly, you’re on your own with the third.

Sometimes it almost seems like mustaches are like the shoelaces of the face. I don’t know, it’s just a feeling, kinda of like the feeling some people have about voter fraud. You can’t totally prove it, you know, but you just feel like it’s the truth.

I almost feel like if somebody tried to move Christmas to say, April, it probably wouldn’t work very well. People would talk. And, you know, Jesus’ birthday. It feels like that could be presumptuous.

Honestly, I’ve never run the structural engineering specs, but I think that coffee shops should keep using four-legged chairs. Five might be an even safer bet.

If you’re a Christian or have read the Old Testament, then obviously this isn’t a new thought to you, but for the sake of blowing everyone else’s mind: where do you park your automobiles when you’re shopping? That’s right, a parking lot. A parking lot. But wait…How did we land on that? How did we end up with parking lots and not parking abrahams? Hmmm. It’s like pondering flat earth theories or whether Donald Trump will ever accept responsibility for anything: a topic worth spending a great deal of time thinking about.

I bet there are people out there who wonder if there are any words that rhyme with “coffee,” and the answer is definitely yes, but we don’t know what: it’s kind of like knowing that there’s other planets out there. We might not know where or what they are but we know they exist, and someday we’ll discover them. Just maybe not in our lifetime.

I passed a sign that I was positive said “We buy junk cats” which I thought was kind of mean, but then someone pointed out that they were probably looking for old beat-down automobiles instead, which reminded me that my vision isn’t so great, which made me think about mortality and the meaning of existence, and I am now carrying around a slight superiority complex about the fact that because I’m human, I can think about these things and because cats are cats, they can’t…right?

I’m pretty sure the best answer someone has ever given when asked directly: “Are you pregnant?” is my wife’s response, which was: “Yeah, kind of.”

I’ll bet if your day job is cleaning sewers, then it would be hard if you’re someone who likes beautiful sunrises and you have to start work super early while it’s still dark, and, you know, you’d miss the sunrise. That would be the tough part about being a sewer worker.

It would be kind of sad if you were a dictator, like not a totally bad dictator, but a pretty authoritarian one, and you were playing a prank on someone you didn’t totally care for and having them blindfolded and put in front of a firing squad but then you’d yell at the last minute to cancel their pretend execution, but then someone came running up and told you that there was a bad oil spill and you didn’t hear them the first time so you asked them to repeat it and they did and then you said loudly, to clarify, “FIRE?!” and then of course that whole prank could get a little out of hand and it would be kind of sad. Those things happen sometimes when you’re the leader though.

A lot of people think that if you run out of toilet paper that it’s okay to use aluminum foil, but I don’t totally agree.

It’s depressing to me to realize I’ll probably never be considered famous as a well-known sock designer. Also, it depresses me a little sometimes to think I might not live to see the next century.

There’s really few things worse than hiking in the forest and stepping in deer poop, and then realizing it’s actually dog poop, and then realizing it’s actually human poop, and then realizing that there’s neo-Nazis chasing you and there’s nowhere to go but a giant cliff behind you. That’s the worst.

Sometimes I almost feel like some humans are better at conveying their emotions than super-intelligent robots.

Everybody thinks that frozen peas are so bad, but to me, honestly, they remind me of regular peas that are really cold.

Honestly, to me, it makes sense that a sock only has one hole.

Nothing makes me happier than throwing bags of frozen broccoli 20 feet down a Costco aisle for my daughter to catch.

Sometimes I almost feel as if circles are the atoms of geometric shapes. And I also wonder next if our lives would be way different if wheels were made of a shape other than an oval. At some point things have to evolve.

Nothing worse than a mediocre finale to an incredible series, like Sherlock.

Most Nativity productions don’t usually include porcupines in the scene. Donkeys, cows, goats, camels, all that, pretty much every other kind of animal. Honestly it’s probably lonely being a porcupine in December.

If you ever find yourself in the position of having to choose between going to a concert with three hundred banjos playing Christmas music, or three hundred tubas playing Christmas music, then most of the time you should go for the latter.

Sometimes I almost feel like automatic windows are like the escalators of an automobile: they make life a tiny bit easier, but aren’t entirely necessary.

Nothing is funnier than an adorable little infant throwing up all over their grandfather’s face.

To me it almost seems like pitchforks are like the giant forks of farm equipment, so it’s interesting that they actually have the word “fork” as part of their name, which is the part people usually miss. “Pitch-fork.” Yes, forks and pitchforks are in fact related, and neither are allowed inside maximum security prisons, according to the films I’ve seen.

I know that war is like totally bad I guess. But it seems like there could be worse things, like what if zebras started losing one of their colors?

Everybody thinks submarines are so dumb, but to me they’re honestly like the spaceships of the ocean.

It’s depressing to think how I’ll never be as good at riding motorcycles as Keanu Reeves. Also I don’t have a motorcycle.

I wonder how many high-rise window washers suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and it’s a disturbing thought.

I bet some super clever person is going to make a t-shirt someday that says “I have Irritable Vowel Syndrome,” and they’ll be super excited to wear it to their Tuesday night Writing class.

Sometimes I almost feel like granola is like the trail mix of cereals.

In my book, Dr. Seuss is the greatest architect of the 20th century.

This is crazy, but I’m way more into fog than wind.

Yesterday I was thinking about writing a Nihilism for Kids book, but I just don’t think there would be any point.

Once I was going to eat a banana, but then I didn’t.

Sometimes I think the worst thing in the world is watching golf on TV, but then I remember there’s also televised bowling.

October’s micro-musings

If you ever get concerned about all the molehills running rampant in your yard, then just stop, take a deep breath, and think about all the chemicals in the air that you probably just inhaled. Those are probably a bigger deal than molehills.

If you’re riding your bicycle, naked, and it’s super foggy out, then be really careful.

Last week I woke up one morning and thought about switching over to tea. When I stopped chuckling at this visual, I filled up my five gallon coffee mug. With coffee.

September’s micro-musings

If you had to carefully think long and hard and choose between stepping on a bunch of marbles during the night, or stepping on a bunch of LEGO pieces during the night, then you’re fortunate to have all that extra time to think about things like that.

July’s micro-musings

Most people always say that you should have kids because of the tax credit, but there’s other reasons too, like for example, if you have goats, kids can babysit them and make sure they’re not eating dandelions, which can be poisonous to goats, but hopefully not to children.

A lot of people seem to think that people buy goats as a status symbol to signify that they’re really, really successful at life, and I guess it’s true, I am.

If you’re on a tight budget and thinking of selling one of your airplanes to get some cash, then yes, that is one option. You could also pick up some hours working graveyard at Taco Bell and that way you could still fly your planes during the day.

A lot of people think that doorknobs would be way easier to use if they were rectangular, but personally I think they already work fine half the time, which is a good percentage for a lot of things, like batting percentage or airplane piloting.

Pretty much everyone thinks that people go into goat farming to become rich, and I honestly don’t know how to answer that question because there’s no easy answer, except that it’s mostly true.

If your child asks if they can have ice cream before bedtime and you don’t want them to, a good compromise is to tell them that one of you will be eating ice cream after they go to bed, and that way they can practice being happy when good things happen to other people, which is a valuable lesson to learn, and way better than a big bowl of ice cream like the one you’re going to have. So the reality is that the kid wins that round. But at least you have ice cream.

If you’re on a tight budget and think it would be cheaper to amputate a foot so you could start buying just one sock at a time, then good for you for thinking creatively! You never know if something is a good idea until you try it.

If somebody randomly walks up to you at some point and offers to not only give you a snowplow, but to install it on the front of your vehicle for free, then don’t overthink it. Free snowplows don’t come along every day.

If you clean three or more toilets without gloves, it is usually a good idea, when possible, to wash your hands before preparing food for a group of ten or more.

If you’re on a tight budget and thinking of selling your goats, then don’t.

If you’re vegetarian but have always wondered what goat meat tastes like, the answer is: I don’t know.

If you’re on a tight budget and considering selling a body organ to raise some extra money, the most important thing to remember is that you don’t know for sure who it’s going to go to.

It’s really hard for me to fully connect with anyone who doesn’t get food all over themselves when they eat tacos.

Bobcats typically do not attack humans. But if you are attacked, slowly pull out the garden hose and water supply that you should have with you at all times, on the chance you might ever be attacked, and spray it with water. The more water you keep in your water backpack, the safer you’ll be.

If you’re ever out in a blizzard and about to die, then remember: you should not have gone out in the blizzard.

When you’re wrangling goats, try not to dive for them when you’re around barbed wire, because even though people think tetanus is like the funniest thing to joke about, it’s not.

If you’re on a tight budget and tend to get injured frequently, you might be tempted to save money by using duct tape and toilet paper on abrasions instead of bandaids. Instead of doing that, I would suggest making more money and just buying the bandaids.

My life would possibly have 1.25 % more joy in it if I could simply have six really good cups of coffee guaranteed to me every single day, each accompanied by 20 minutes of reading, vibrant conversation, or staring out into a beautiful snowstorm. That’s it.

Sometimes I like to pretend that flagpoles are basically just tall metal poles that hold a piece of fabric at the top.

I saw a cloud skip past today; it looked familiar. On closer examination I realised it is one I waved to 31 years ago, when I was eleven. Hello again, old friend!

If you successfully assembled an IKEA product all by yourself, then yes, that is an accomplishment and you should absolutely go eat two bowls of tin roof sundae ice cream. All by yourself.

If you’re on a tight budget, one thing you can do is every time you visit someone’s house, ask if you can have a drawer pull or door knob, as long as they’re made from metal. Eventually you’ll have enough to sell to the scrap yard, and every penny counts, especially if you have a billion of them. Plus, it’ll get you out socializing a little more.

A lot of people think it would be cool to have transparent pipes that ran along the interior walls so you could see the beauty of modern plumbing in action, but to be honest, I partially disagree.

I bet whoever invented the monocle is like a patron saint in the elderly cyclops community.

I have to agree with everyone: ostriches really are the tubas of the bird world.

Everyone thinks that mugs should have two handles, but personally I think one is sufficient most of the time.

It’s really sad to think of all the stories and books that could have been written if we had invented another letter of the alphabet.

It’s so hard to believe I’ve never written a poem about how drapes are the eyelids of our homes.

If you’re on a really tight budget, then one idea that sometimes works is to buy a house on top of a mountain, and then spend a couple years carefully cultivating a strong relationship with a neighbor who has a flatbed truck and ramp, and when the moment seems right, you ask her if she’d be willing to load your car up every evening on the way up the mountain so you don’t have to pay for gas, and then the next morning you coast down in neutral, and then voila, evening rolls around and you’re all set and your gas bill is way better. Cycle continues. Tip: have your neighbor sign a contract committing to the plan for at least seven years. Win-win: you save money and she has a good friend for life. Or seven years.

I was thinking of inventing a reversible plate that you only have to wash half as many times. But then people would expect me to do the same thing with bowls, and that would super stress me out cause that’s like the holy grail of reversible dishes.

Many young children are scared of the dark, and sometimes it can be helpful to remind them that there’s nothing to be scared of, as long as there’s no giant hairy monsters with horns outside the window waiting for the right opportunity to attack, which is fairly improbable but not impossible given the work being done in cross-species gene manipulation, and this is a great intro into talking about statistics and probability, which a lot of kids seem to find helpful in talking about before bedtime. Also, I’m writing a collection of fairy tales, if anybody’s interested in purchasing for their children.

I know we’re supposed to accept people the way they are, but personally I think horses would be way cooler if they had, like, a sharp horn or something on their head.

People always think that rainbows are stupid, but personally I think they’re kind of pretty, especially if you’re not colorblind. Which I am.

If you don’t like public libraries then I hate you. I know that’s a strong word to use, but I couldn’t think of anything stronger. I’ll go ask a librarian if there’s a better one to use instead. They are super good at helping people figure out the right words to use. They’re good at helping people figure out pretty much everything.

There’s a big push these days to use something different than “handicapped,” which is why you hear me saying “handihatted.”

I don’t want to take away from anyone’s enjoyment of watching a good romantic naked romp in a swords-and-sandals epic film, but remember that most of them didn’t have toothbrushes or take baths. Or floss.

A lot of people think that the Christmas season should start at the beginning of August, but personally I think that’s at least a couple weeks too early. But maybe I’m wrong.

I personally feel that urinals are more appropriate in bathrooms than in kitchens. Some days I feel so old-fashioned.

It’s so frustrating when people bring their giant pet venomous snake to your house for an overnight stay and they get mad when you ask if she can play with your goats. Huh? They gotta learn to play together sometime.

If you’re on a tight budget and looking for a sure-fire way to aggressively invest your money in something safe with a giant payoff, then don’t hang up on telemarketers anymore, because you can’t have it both ways. Maybe you just hung up on your future.

People appreciate the truth, which is why it’s important to share the truth with everyone in the theatre when you notice something that’s not truthful, like when you’re watching a movie for the second time and you know the heroine shouldn’t be trusting this one guy early on and you know he’s not being truthful so you let everyone know the truth, and sometimes doing the right thing is as easy as saying: “Hey, that character isn’t being truthful, he’s actually the main villain and good thing he dies in the end!” That’s truth, and people might be angry, and also someday they will still never thank you for it. But expressing gratitude is a whole different topic.

I bet if you lived in medieval times and your beloved child grew up to become a hangman who had to wear a black cloth over his head to stay anonymous, then it would be like totally hard to not yell, as your boy was leading people to the gallows, “That’s my boy, way to go Tom!” But then it could be super embarrassing if everyone thought you were talking about the guy who was getting hung instead of the guy doing the hanging. Also, if I was a parent during this time period I would encourage them to go into another career. But you know, kids do their own thing and you just choose to be proud, no matter what, right?

A fun thing to do that would also be helpful might be to carry a tape measure with you every time you went to someone’s house, and then to measure the diameter of their toilet seat. Those things are supposed to be standard size, but if they’re not, wouldn’t you want to know?

I think that drivers who swerve in and out of lanes without using their blinkers and end up causing a crash should not necessarily receive the death penalty, but I wouldn’t necessarily argue against some light torture. But I also wouldn’t argue for it. I would just pretend I had no idea how to drive.

Everyone seems to think that all the highways with 55 mph speed limits should be changed to 56 mph. Personally, I’m fine either way.

If you’re on a tight budget and are tempted to cancel your upcoming six-month tour of Europe to save a few dollars, then don’t. That’s what credit cards are for.