A Stream of Tips, thoughts, and shrieks for empathy regarding parenting
We watched The Nanny Diaries several days ago, in honor of someone special to us in New York who is possibly currently involved in a position relevant to the title of the movie I just mentioned, and after seeing it fresh, I think it is a forgotten gem from 2007. It also had some surprising heft in hitting me harder than I would have expected from a light-hearted flick: it was a big conk on the head, the type of reminder that duh, of course we all know, but to be reminded of in an outlandish way is sometimes helpful. And it was this: having a bunch of money doesn’t make your life better. I reject the idea that living in poverty is somehow noble, and its corollary, that anyone wealthy somehow lacks character. But I do resonate with the principles shown, far back in 2007, that have become foundational for so many parents today: the idea that you can’t let your child miss out on anything, and everything everything is future-focused, so that’s why you need to farm your kids out to others. What they need in plentiful amounts is time and attention. Those things more than any. 2/6
If my child’s job is to unload the clean dishes from the dishwasher and they do it, that is responsibility. If they finish their job unloading, look around, see dirty dishes in the sink, and take it upon themselves to load the dirty ones in too, although it is not their job, that is initiative. They can exist independently, but really…the hope, the goal, the ideal is to bury these twin traits, entertwined, in our children's root systems of character.
January 31, 2024
Two ideas I’ve been on a high horse about recently within our family dynamics:
When you make your family’s life easier, you generally make your life easier too.
Do what you need to do first.
In other words, if you’re part of a family, you’re part of a system. That system will function on some continuum of efficiency, effectiveness, and happiness. That system includes individuals with different wants, needs, and desires. Ideally, there is a spirit of empathy, understanding, helpfulness, initiative, and work ethic possessed by each individual. But…sometimes it’s helpful to just be cold, clinical, and pragmatic. In other words, selfish. And what I am trying to help convey is the mindset that by helping make the group’s life easier, you will make your life easier as well, and by doing what you need to do first, you will give yourself the ability to more fully enjoy, selfishly, what you want. So help out, and do what’s gotta get done first.
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If someone offers you old musical instruments or manual typewriters, always take them up on it. If someone offers you old board games or puzzles that may or may not have all the pieces, always do not take them up on it.
If a child sees you drinking coffee and thinks they’re old enough to try it, make sure, no matter what, that the coffee you let them try - if you let them try - is black. Straight. Black. Not the salted caramel with extra whip Frappuccino you just got with your free birthday drink. Not that.
If you want your child to eat better, then start by doing two things: have them grocery shop with you, and have them make food with you. When you’re involved in a process, you start to get skin in the game, and when you’re involved with a process, the joy of making can start to overwhelm the feeling you might have had initially about not liking something. So get them involved, hands on, in purchasing and making food. It’ll be a lot more work now. And a lot less work later on. There’ll be a payoff.
2023
There is nothing that makes your children need you more desperately than you suddenly thinking you have fifteen minutes to yourself, to do something extraneous, like say, take a shower. When one child goes down for a nap and you have a window, the Law of the Universe says that the window of time you thought you had is not actually a window, it is a door made out of rubber, and it will harshly and humorously bounce you back the way you just came, and ensure that above all else, you do not make it through that Window of Opportunity. So don’t dream big. Instead of aiming for a shower, aim to maybe just put on deodorant and a hat.
February 2021
Don’t too interesting at the wrong time. For example, I was trying to get our one-year old to sleep and made the mistake of starting a new song (The Ants Go Marching In). This was a follow-up to Old McDonald, which he has loved. He went from almost asleep to completely-awake on the bum-bum-bum. Giant grin as his brain processed this fresh pre-nap melody, and then began singing along and wanting more. So don’t be too interesting at the wrong time. It’s dangerous. February 2021
If a one-year old offers to help you put together IKEA furniture, then always accept their assistance, because it will be an experience worth remembering.
Some parents like to cut the crust off sandwiches for their children, and, well…okay, I guess. But why? Once your teeth are capable of eating crust, just eat the crust, have them eat the crust, and set that as the expectation. It’s a tiny microcosm of life (eating something specific) that’s part of a bigger microcosm of life (eating in general) that says something big about the type of world you want your children to experience (don’t dismiss immediately what you don’t take a liking to right away; learn that some things take time to appreciate; you experience, within your family’s dietary choices, the same choices that the rest of your family is communally making, etc.)
You are never going too old to play hide and go seek, but if you are playing with people over the age of 90 or under the age of two, then try, as much as possible, if possible, to stay moderately far away from freeways, waterfalls, cement mixing sites, or underground tunnels, because sometimes those environments can be hazardous to those age groups.
One time I took two extra pairs of dry socks when we went on a wet hike, and then I let my oldest children use them when we got back in the car, and it might be the single greatest act of generosity I’ve committed this year.
One time I said I’d play with a child for fifteen minutes, and then I accidentally set the timer for ten and, and it was too late to change it.
One time I spilled a bunch of food on the floor because I was being a hypocrite and Eating While Walking (EWW), and then it seemed like life would be easier if I blamed it on a child, so I don’t remember exactly what I did.
Sometimes what I want more than anything is ten minutes of uninterrupted anything.
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I like to make big deals out of little things.
Like falling over backwards when my daughter tells me the handle fell off her spoon. 20120307
