I Just Found Out I Am Very, Very Successful (Farewell, 99%, and Happy Labor Day)

At a certain point in not-so-long ago history, there was a certain cachet to having a cellular telephone. I guess the line of thought was that if you were successful enough, you had a cell* phone. 

The extension of this line of thinking was that at the pinnacle of success, you no longer needed a cell phone. You simply needed an underling NEXT to you with a cell phone who would answer, and hand it over to you if necessary. I really loved this era of history, although I was cell phone-less at the time, because it made social class very easy to understand and gave me something to strive for. A cell phone and status. I never got there at the time, but keep reading:

My six-year old is reading independently now, which means she can also do something else vaguely related: write independently. Meaning, she can do something very wonderful when I'm driving: read me my texts. And more importantly, respond to them. Basically, handle everything on my cell phone. Ensuring that I am hands-free all the time, which should be pleasing to all law enforcement and ER doctors. A whole new world has opened up. I really don't even want a phone anymore. I have achieved the highest level of success possible: I now have SOMEBODY ELSE handling my phone. So if you see any mis-spelllings on any future Faceboook posts, or wonder if you've dialed the wrong number because the voice sounds kinder than my intimidating bark, then just know that I am very, very successful, and those responsibilities are being attended to by one of my assistants. Maybe you'll get through, maybe you won't. Wow, I love success. It really IS exhilarating at the top, and the air smells…more like successful air.

I am ready to get another phone, and another kid too. You can never be too successful. If we have twins someday, I might even open up a MySpace account and have them handle it. Until then though, I'm going to be content with simply being monumentally successful. Happy Labor Day.

* "cell phone" is a shorthand way of saying "cellular telephone"

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