A Horrid, Awful Day in Which My Fatigue is Endless and I am Forced to Socialize


My wife asked me: how much of this story is true?

I said: Oh, maybe twenty percent, but I'm not sure which parts exactly.

She said.


Even though it's April, I'm going to tell you a Christmas story, okay?

- Okay.

It's a story about when my parents were very mean. Do you want to hear it?

- Yeah.

Okay (I said, and started the story):
So once upon a time, I was really tired. 
Can I please go to bed?
I asked my parents. 
I'm really tired.

NO! We're going Christmas caroling.

So I had to go out in the dark, and walk around to people's houses, and sing Christmas carols, like that Hark the Herald Angel one.

And I'm so tired. I'm only about ten, and my body is just fatigued and I just want to collapse into bed. Can I PLEASE go to bed? I beg.

NO! We're going to have hot chocolate now.

I wail. 
I'm so tired!

Drink it! Drink the hot chocolate!
They order me.

So I had to drink hot chocolate and play with other kids.

Are we done now? 
I ask.

NO! We're going roller skating now.

Aaah!! I have to put on roller skates?! 


So we go to the roller skating rink and I put on roller skates and I have to roller skate around the rink listening to The Hokey Pokey over and over. 

I was a very good roller skater, and one of my tricks was that instead of learning how to stop, I just learned to skate very fast, and then ran into the wall and let it stop me. 
Painful, but my body was fine because I was young.

Then my parents said: 

You look like you need some food in you…EAT SOME LICORICE AND POPCORN!

Why??!  I'm not hungry!! I don't want to eat licorice and popcorn! I'm so tired! You guys are the meanest parents ever.

Stop grumbling or we'll make you eat a marshmallow also,
they yelled at me.

Okay, I'm ready to crawl into bed now…can I PLEASE GO!?

Yes, you can go to bed now…
JUST KIDDING! NOW…we're going to watch a movie!

You've got to be kidding. First you make me go Christmas caroling, then you make me eat hot chocolate, then you make me go roller skating, then you make me eat licorice and popcorn, then I have to go roller skating, and now you're making me go watch a movie? I need my rest!

We'd like for you to watch this movie, Joey.

So we watch this World War movie about these Germans and Americans fighting each other and how they all put up their guns over the holidays, or something like that, and the film ended and I said:

Is it over yet? Is it done? Can we be done now?

Yes, it's over. Thank you for being so patient. 

You're welcome! I shrieked. 

So then we went home and they said: You can go to bed now.

I crawled into bed and I laid my head down and I snuggled the covers up to me and I closed my eyes, and it was very late…

…and I realised:

I WASN'T TIRED ANYMORE! I threw off the blankets and I jumped out of my bed and ran to my mom and dad's room where they were pretending to be asleep and I jumped on them and I said

GUESS WHAT!  GOOD NEWS! I'm not tired now! Let's go do something fun!

They pretended to be very angry with me and threw me out of their room, and locked the door.


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