Note: this is a summary of two different phone conversations with my brother Jeremy over the course of a couple days. I am paraphrasing him and passing them off as one hundred percent direct quotes, which I have informed him of and he is mostly okay with. The truth lies within this conversation. I will write a follow-up post if there are horrific inaccuracies that he has trouble with.
Note II: he has literally* trademarked the phrase “keep it out, you’ll be needing it later.”
So tell me about your process for making a smoothie.
I’ll tell you the process for making Jeremy’s Classic Smoothie. This is my classic go-to.
So what you need to start with,
is pea protein. Preferably vanilla. You can get it at Trader Joe’s. You could use whey, but I’m allergic to it.
Following so far.
A couple scoops,
Or so. If you lose the scoop, which I do frequently, then use two scoops with, uhh, a spoon or something.
Why do you keep losing the scoop?
Then you add in a handful of ice to the blender.
he ignored me.
A small handful. And I don’t usually lose it, it’s usually just buried at the bottom of the protein powder and I can’t find it.
I said, taking careful notes while I listened on speaker phone.
you add in almond milk.
And then -
He interrupted me:
Leave out the almond milk. KEEP IT OUT. You’ll be needing it again.
Is it a big deal to leave it out, or not?
You just need to keep it out,
he said, annoyed.
This is quite the process you have,
Then you shove a banana into the blender. Shove it in.
Preferably you’ll have taken it out of the fridge so it’s firm and cold. But if you didn’t you can just use a regular banana that’s been sitting out. That should work too. Shove it in.
Got it all down so far.
This is really important:
Then you dribble a little honey on everything. A little. But DON’T put the honey away. Keep it out. You’ll be needing it again.
Then you’re going to take out a granola bar.
Unwrap it. I like to use Nature Valley honey and oat granola bar, but you could probably use another brand if you had to.
Granola bar. Check.
the blender should be getting full. Keep the blender out. Don’t move it anywhere. You’re going to taste it now.
So we’re done?
I asked naively.
You’re going to TASTE it so you can refine it. You’ll need to refine the texture, the sweetness, the smoothness, the iciness, and the liquidity. You’re refining now. Get a spoon and take a taste. Speaking of smoothness, do you know that the word ‘smoothie’ actually comes from the word ‘smoothness?’
I started to ask,
He interrupted testily.
I can’t believe I forgot to include a step.
Is it a big deal?
Well, not really,
That’s the beauty of Jeremy’s Classic Smoothie. Embrace the forgetfulness! I’m not embarrassed I forgot something. It’s open to experimentation. So what I skipped over is the peanut butter. That should go in after the small handful of ice.
Just dump some in?
You’ll take a spoon.
And scoop out some peanut butter and put into the blender on top of the ice.
We should talk about the peanut butter. Is it a shared jar, or a personal jar? If it’s a personal jar, then you’re going to double-dip. You’re gonna put it back in, scoop, then dip it IN the smoothie and clean off the spoon that way. That’s the genius of it. Also, I prefer to use refrigerated peanut butter, but you can experiment.
So is that it?
Peanut butter’s in, everything’s in, good to go?
Now we’re back to the refining stage. You’re going to mix a little more almond milk in. Because you kept it out.
You’re going to mix some more honey in. Because you kept it out.
And now put them away?
Keep them out. You might still need them.
Do you measure carefully?
This is the thing.
You need to create a system that works for you. My trick and my system is to re-blend and keep refining. It’s all about the sweetening and the smoothing. You need to find the right sweetness and smoothness.
That is quite an elaborate process.
The biggest mistake is being afraid to experiment.
Would be to put ingredients away too soon. Instead of keeping them out.
You have to keep them out.
You’re gonna need them later on in the process.
I have learned a lot.
There’s your first Jeremy Long Classic Smoothie.
*he has not literally done so