The President gave another speech tonight, and I watched it while eating sweet potatoes, pasta, and salad. I've had a number of requests to summarize it, so here you are. Technically, it's more of a transcript than a summary. There may be a couple typos.
"It's good to be here, America. This is where it all started. You remember? Nobody said we could do it, and we did. I'm President now. A really good one, probably one of the best. I don't know, I don't know, that's just what people are saying. You know what I love? Love. I LOVE Love. I love you people. I love Americans. I love everyone who is American. We're a family. We're better than a family. We're a team.
Can you believe what the losers on the other team are saying about what I said about Charlottesville? I own a home there. Built it myself. The media didn't want you to know that, but I do. I really do. I wanna set the record straight about Charlottesburg. You know what they keep saying? The fake media? The best they can come up with is that I was LATE. That I was late. I COMPLETELY condemned bigotry and bigamy and the bad people who were doing violence, I condemned in THE STRONGEST POSSIBLE TERMS and the BEST THEY COULD COME UP WITH IS THAT I WAS LATE. And I wasn't late. In fact, I was early. I was almost ready to give my speech BEFORE the alt left protesters brought their hate in and started the violence that led to George Washington's statue getting yanked down by the fake media and the anarchists. I condemn, and what do they do? The fake media says 'oh, he didn't condemn it soon enough.' Well, I have a piece of paper in my pocket that proves that I was ready with my condemning speech immediately after the violence. There's a handwritten date if you don't believe me. Really good penmanship too. Printed. Not that socialist cursive junk like your Grandma's birthday cards you can't read. If you don't believe me, get out. Seriously. Leave. Go join the fake media. There's only about eight of them left. Look, they're turning their cameras off! Look! They can't handle the truth.
Notice how there's no protesters here? I prefer to call them anarchists. This crowd is so huge. So huge. And no anarchists. I hope the fire marshal can get everyone in. This place is packed. There's no losers in here. Except for the media. The fake news. See those cameras up there? See them? They're losers. Losers and liars. They don't want you to hear what I'm saying, they really don't. That's why I use Twitter, otherwise, you'd never know the truth. The media is losers. I'm a truthful person, you can know when I say something that it's true, and if it's not, then you can trust me that I have a really, really good private reason that for national security or personal reasons, I can't tell you. You're safe here. You're at a Trump rally. You're safe. And I love you. We started a movement. And people didn't get it. The media didn't get it. Because we started a movement built on love. That's what we're about. Love. We're a team. Doesn't matter who you are...
...unless you're CNN. CNN is such a loser. Do you know how bad their ratings are? They are so bad. So bad. What about the failing New York Times? They are failures. Not like Sheriff Joe. I don't want to cause any controversy, so I'm not going to pardon him tonight and appoint him to a Cabinet post, but you know it's gonna happen. Not tonight though. Gonna happen. Just not tonight. I don't like to cause controversy. And speaking of love, who else hates the Washington Post? I do, and that's okay, because they're not really American. Who else hates Wonder Woman? Let me tell you, that movie sucked. Really, really bad, so bad I didn't even see it, and why would they cast a woman in an action movie? I love unity. Isn't unity great? Let's fight for unity, okay? If we fight for unity, and for the filibuster rule, than we can have unity and keep the Democrats out, and that way we'll have a real team without the obstructionists. I like to call them anarchists. So let's be unified and build a wall, and how about everyone in this room - besides the fake media - pick fifty people you'd like to stick on the other side of that wall? I'll go first: I choose, the Obamas, the Clintons, and Gal Gadot. Let's get them on the other side of the wall and make America greaterer. Shall we? Shall we? As long as we're unified - and let me say, you people here are the most diverse group of people anyone could ever find - let's take our united, diverse voices and go ahead and vote now for the next Presidential election. What do you say? Streamlining. I'm a problem-solver. I solve problems. So let's solve the problem right now of having to have another election when I'm doing a perfectly good job. Fantastic job. I promise you now, I will do everything I can over the course of my next seventeen years as your President to do really good things, which is the opposite of what one of your Arizona politicians has done, and I'm not even going to say his name, because he's a loser and no one knows who he is. But I'm gonna build a wall, a big wall, and I'm going to destroy Obamacare. Destroy it, with love, or enough votes, or my military. It's mine and they'll do what I say because I have experience, I've studied military things and the generals trust me, and the ones that don't are losers and are probably on Amazon's payroll. Anybody notice all the women and un-white people here? Just look behind me. Take your eyes off me for a second and look. I'm serious, look. I'm guessing there's a black fellow and probably some beautiful conservative women with pearl necklaces and some blue collar men with facial hair and a veterinarian. I tried to get some Civil War vets up here but I just learned they're dead. I look good with gray behind me. They love me. They all want to be part of this team. They do. They don't want to tear down statues of George Washington. You know who was a loser? Martha Washington. He coulda done so much better. Just sayin.' Don't get me started on Ellen Roosevelt. And speaking of that, we are getting out of one of the worst deals in history: NAFTA. We are done bargaining with Mexico and Canada. In fact, we might just stop trading with them. Both of them. I might just build a wall between us and Canada too. And us and Paris. Can you believe France? That tower is so lame. No gold! No gold on it at all. None! Plus it's not even tall. Those Paris Accords the fake media lies about, the one with all that environmental boohoo junk...those people just don't get it. You can't spell ENVIRONMENT without MEN, and I am a big man, a really big man if you know what I mean, so if I say the environment's gonna be okay, then trust me Team America, it's gonna be okay. Trust me. Trust me.
I am definitely not a racist, in fact, I am the biggest non-racist you have ever known. I am not a racist like Barack Obama, who did not create one billion jobs, like I personally have done since entering office. For everyone who voted for me, I am giving you all a raise, I am guaranteeing that Congress will give you money. In fact, I might have the IRS give you ALL YOUR MONEY back at tax time, because of love. Because you're Americans, at least if you voted for me then you are, and you deserve to not pay taxes. Let the Democrats pay taxes. My people, my family, my team, shouldn't have to pay taxes, should they? Should they? Let's vote on it. A vote for me is a vote for love. I promise.
Can you believe the fake media? They're turning their cameras off. Off. Can you believe it? You know who's treated me fairly? Fox News. Who thinks Sean Hannity is a great guy? Yeah, yeah. Fox tells the truth. They might not always, and if they ever stop, then I'll tell you, so you'll know. You know who else is overrated? Audrey Hepburn. No style. Those hats? Ridiculous. Never win one of my pageants.
The elite? You always hear about them. Huh? What? I went to better schools, way better schools, and I live in a better apartment, and also a little house called THE WHITE HOUSE, and guess what, they're not the elites! We are! WE are the elites! When one of us hurts, we all hurt. We're in this together. United. As long as we remember the strength we have when we lovingly go after my dreams. This is our moment, our chance to build my dynasty and future and ensure our values will grow and thrive and succeed like nothing anybody besides me could imagine. I will make it happen. I promise.
With your help, and your love, and your hate for those I hate - remember, CNN, the New York Times, the Washington Post, Jeff Bezos, Gal Gadot, Democrats, John McCain, Steve Bannon, and Mr. Rogers, we will make America really, really strong, and when I retire as President in a decade or two, then history will prove me right, these words I invented a long time ago: ASK not what your country can do for you...
...TELL them what to do, because people only deserve a democratic republic if they can be trusted to vote correctly. So tell your fellow countrymen what they can do for me. For us. Because we're a team. A team of love.