A lot of you have been asking why I haven't written about Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders yet. I haven't, and am not going to, and here's why. First, I will give you five reasons, and then I will give you nine.
First, when I see Harrison Ford with his little diamond in an ear, toward the bottom rear of the ear, then the first three things I think are: a) Han Solo doesn't have an earring! b) Indiana Jones doesn't have an earring!*, and c) Bernie Sanders also doesn't have an earring! It seems that if you're going to be a 73-year running for President and your name is Bernard but you go by Bernie, then you ought to have an earring. So it makes me wonder if he is afraid, or if he is a hypocrite, or what is going on if he is running as a fiercely independent populist sort of fella who goes by the name Bernie, yet refuses to wear an earring? It makes me wonder what interests he is beholden to that would make him so afraid. And I'm afraid of electing someone who is so unafraid of being beholden to the normal beholders that he has to be secretly beholden, out of fear, to a beholder that we don't even know, yet is obviously concerned about him wearing an earring, making him afraid. I cannot in good conscience give any kind of press to someone with that kind of beholdedness.
Second, Bernie Sanders will take all of your money if he is elected. I have just confirmed this fact from a secret source, from the websites.
Third, in 2012, Bernie Sanders was reelected in his home country of Vermont with 71 percent of the popular vote, which means that he is very unpopular with over a quarter of Vermont voters. That says something.
Fourth, he has strongly criticized the Patriot Act, warrantless wiretapping, and mass surveillance, which calls to mind Theodore Roosevelt's stirring words about critics: "...it is not the critic who counts..." Which calls to mind his patriotism, if he would disagree with Theodore Roosevelt. Nonetheless, he has been a strong critic of things the government needs to do, and sometimes it seems like all he does is criticize. It calls to mind another fellow who refuses to go by his full given name, Ed Snowden, and it calls into mind whether, if he was elected President, he would keep on criticizing everything and everyone and eventually try to make Mr. Snowden his Vice President. And then we would have a couple very, very critical people in power, and that is something that terrifies me. And another reason why I don't think we need to include Bernie Sanders in any kind of political discussion.
Fifth, Bernie Sanders has suggested that the United States does not belong to billionaires. This seems very critical in tone, thus confirming point number four.
Also, there are nine reasons I will not be including Bernie Sanders in any discussion whatsoever about politics this season:
1. Bernie Sanders has also proposed legislation that would give 12 weeks of paid maternity leave to mothers and fathers, amidst other things, and he is lumping these proposals under what he calls his "family values agenda," a phrase which has already been copyrighted, or used a bunch at least, by other people (the anti-maternity leavers), so not only is he a critic, but a thief, and even worse, a confuser, who has confused people about what family values is.
2. He has said critical things about the military, but has sponsored legislation that would increase veterans' benefits, which brings us back to the whole hypocrisy issue.
3. He is supportive of "the Robin Hood tax" to fully publicly fund tuition for four-year college education. What about people who need longer than that? A little more sensitivity might make him easier to take.
4. Bernie Sanders wants to let a lot of bad people out of prison so that "...more can be spent on jobs and education and less on incarceration."
I added the quotation marks myself, but I'm sure he's said very similar things to this, and frankly it's cause for concern because if all of the criminals are in school and working, then there will be less work for police, which sounds like an excuse to cut law enforcement budgets.
5. Jewish Bernie Sanders has said many nice things about Pope Francis, who is apparently still Catholic, and has gushed about how he is "incredibly smart and brave," which makes me wonder if he wants the Pope to be his running mate, which makes me wonder if we could be taken seriously as a nation run by two people named Bernie and Francis.
6. He is very active on Facebook and Twitter, which raises questions about how much time he would actually have to run the country. And when he discovers Snapchat?
7. I can find no evidence of Bernie Sanders directly criticizing Donald Trump on a personal level, which, given his penchant for being so critical, is startling in its absence. Is there an under the table, quid pro quo power coalition between the two? The silence is deafening. If Bernie Sanders can be critical and hurtful to billionaires at large, yet say nothing to Mr. Trump, it is evident that all is not as it all is or as it should be, and that should not be.
The fact is, Bernie Sanders is the Scottie Pippen to Michael's Jordan, if you were strictly a baseball fan who knew Michael when he hit for the White Sox, which is to say that you would have had little idea of who Scottie Pippen was, and the sad reality is that he never won a basketball championship without Michael, and he went on to have a short but largely unmemorable run with the Portland Trailblazers, while Michael bought a basketball team and wore big earrings. Which brings us back to the reason why you can't take Bernie Sanders seriously: he just can't commit. Otherwise he would have a big gold stud in his ear. Toward the bottom rear, of his ear. And that is also why I will not write anything about him. Bernie Sanders. The candidate I simply cannot acknowledge.
Hope that has been helpful.
In the deployment of journalisticness and truth,
*and neither does Rick Deckard!