11.03.2013

FIVE THOUGHTS ON VOTING.

1. Becca and I have a little voting party before every election. It is just us, and we listen to Neil Diamond and say mean and childish things about many of the candidates and laugh out loud really loud (LOLRL) because we are funny and heartless in our critiques of issues and candidates.

2. When two candidates are equally mediocre and they're both males, as is sadly often the case, then I generally try to avoid voting for the one with a mustache, unless it is a big Sam Elliott-style one, and also I usually do not vote for candidates with goatees. Please do not think I am passing judgment on goatees, because I am not; I am simply saying that it's not possible to have a goatee and be a good politician.

3. I always write in at least one candidate. This year I wrote in Jonathan Natiuk, but in the spirit of HIPPA I will not reveal which position he might be winning. 

4. Let me give you an example of the kind of candidate bio that gets my attention.

"I would like to keep Democrats out of my wallet and Republicans out of my bedroom. I promise not to tweet any naughty photos and my wife has promised not to stand by me if I do."

Sense of humor, knows what Twitter is, no goatee. Why not?

5. I tend to favor candidates with long names that are difficult to pronounce. I like to learn new words.

6. I usually vote Yes on stuff that involves building things that I already like to build with LEGO bricks. Like bridges and skyscrapers and space stations. I can't get enough of those.

3c. Candidates who brag about how many grandchildren they have are either 1) too busy with their grandchildren to be good politicians or b) will be too busy being politicians to be good grandparents, which means they have their priorities wrong and they shouldn't be voted for. So basically, don't include anything about your grandchildren in your bio.

6. If a candidate does not submit a photo, or at least a self-portrait sketch, there is no chance I will vote for them. Government is not The Voice; I need to see something, mostly to get an idea of whether they have terrible facial hair or cool piercings. If they have cool piercings or a mullet, there is a good chance I will vote for them.

4b. On principle, I do not for anyone named "Ned." Nothing against the name Ned; I just don't think you can be named Ned and effectively serve the people.

8. A lot of people have asked if I will ever run for office, and the answer is: definitely yes, if I am guaranteed a win, and I have a personal assistant, and I get paid a lot of money to do very little. I do not golf, but I have been wanting to learn polo.

9. Every election, Becca and I feel a twinge of guilt over accidentally revealing our voting picks to each other, in violation of the "don't let anybody else read this!!" secrecy" boldface lettering screaming from the voting envelope. I guess it's a good bonding thing, like we're revolutionaries or something.

Happy voting. Have fun and remember: it's just a game.
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