MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 1For a special beginning to Mother's Day, I let Becca get up really early and play cards with our daughter. I just let them have some time to themselves, and stayed out of the way, in bed. They'll always have that memory.

You're welcome, Dear. More to come.

MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 2How cool is your Mother-in-Law?

Well, did she go see Tarantino's Kill Bill with you opening weekend?

Yep. Beat that.

For a special treat today, I am playing some Christmas music for my wife.

Frosty the Snowman is such an underrated Mother's Day song.

MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 4I do not remember my birth very well. Apparently my mom was there.

She was not on Facebook, so I guess she must have been busy. Thanks Mama. I would be a very different person if you had never existed. I am glad you exist.

MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 5One of Becca's greatest inventions as a mom has been "Magga Coffee."

It is made like this:

1. Warm up a mug of almond* milk.
2. Stir in a teaspoon of molasses.
3. Name it after one of your children.
4. Voila. Now your kids can drink "coffee" with you.
Brilliant. One of many brilliant moments. You are a brilliant eccentric, Countess Becca.

MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 6Once, when my little brother* was a kid, he woke up during the night and had to go to the bathroom. Somehow in his groggy slumber, he peed in the hamper.

What did my mom do in the morning?

She laughed, and said thank goodness it's just pee.

Probably some sort of moral lesson in there. I have no idea what.


MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 7I remember watching a woman scream and berate her child publicly in the parking lot, and now I want so much to find her on Facebook and say:

"I'm glad you're not my mom."

I might have a license plate number jotted down somewhere. But my mom raised me to not be mean, so I will stop looking for her.

Thanks for not being mean, Mom.

MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 8One of the most concrete bits of relationship advice I have is this: find someone with a Mother-in-Law who finds Walter the Farting Dog books funny, and who is not afraid to laugh out loud, very loud.

That's what I did, and trust me, your life will be good if you follow this one piece of advice. If your prospective M-i-L doesn't like the Walter series, or finds it beneath her, that is cause for suspicion, and possibly a dealbreaker.

MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 9A decade or so ago, we went on our first official date: a 36-hour Greyhound bus trip. The trip got better and better, and she kissed me, and I knew I would marry her.

And I knew she would keep getting better and better, and we would have Littles, and we did and she has and she is more delicious and fun than ever, and I fully expect the trend to continue.

Thanks, Dear. You are rad, and I like listening to loud music with you. And the children that are ours; their names escape me at the moment.

MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 10One time, my Mom watched G.I. Joe with me. The old television program. It is a memory. Also, it is the only time I ever watched G.I. Joe. So I always associate my Mom with G.I. Joe. I imagine it might be a little like watching a Michael Bay movie with Martin Scorcese sitting next to you: it would be hard to fully enjoy it. So I guess if my mom had not taken those 23 minutes to sit down with me and watch G.I. Joe, I would have watched it by myself, and completely fallen in love with the program if I hadn't had the dampening proximity of my Mom's "we love people, we don't shoot them" message next to me. If I had continued to watch G.I. Joe, I most certainly would have been influenced by the show to go into a Special Forces unit, and there is almost undoubtedly the high possibility that I would currently be embedded in a Black Ops unit deep inside Eastern Europe.

And instead of a family, I would have an AR-15 and a bunch of face paint.

So thanks Mom, for watching G.I. Joe with me. Those little things matter. I guess the moral is, parents: watch television with your children.

MOTHER'S DAY, pt. 11 (last one)Stevie Wonder's "I Believe (When I Fall in Love It Will Be Forever)" is from his 1972 album Talking Book, but surprisingly I didn't hear it until 2001, when Becca, in between card games, told me that I HAD to see this one film:

High Fidelity.

About an existentialist music geek and his narcissistic relationship woes. We watched it, and I fell in love with it too even though it dissed on Belle & Sebastian, and she got me the soundtrack, and every single song was exceptional.

Including Stevie's "I Believe." One of the great love songs.

I am so glad to be with someone who gets excited about new experiences, who delights in people, who has dragged the best characteristics of me into the sunlight, and who creates beautiful, spirited children who will always be a step behind their Mom in the mischief department.

Thank you for being you, and for liking me to be me, Countess. Happy Mum's Day. We should go to the Walla Walla Balloon Stampede next year. Also, we have never seen Stevie Wonder in concert. Maybe he will do a tour with Glen Hansard. Shall we watch Grimm now? Or Downton Abbey? Or, we could make some chocolate caramel truffles now. We have never done that, but I hope we do before forever ends. I am hungry.

Stevie Wonder
I Believe (When I Fall in Love It Will Be Forever)
Talking Book

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